29 May 2017

My Notes on Crucial Conversations


I have participated in a two-day course on Crucial Conversations. These are my notes on the course and the facilitation skills of the instructor.

Day 1

  • Video workshop
    • Conflict
    • Body Language
Facilitator's Note: 
  • Do you mean that? She used it when someone referred to crying as emotions. I have noticed the same behavior from another facilitator redefining a phrase to less painful.
  • She was laughing, had an Open Face
  • She used to demonstrate push back, asking people stand up and pushing their hands together. (& then debriefed on body language and then talked about the fight on a corner)
  • She used the following questions to check in with the audience:
    • Is this fair?
    • Does that sound OK/fair?
    • Does that make sense?
Idea: How you do that when you were a kid? Actually, this is a very good opening if you want to emphasize the effect of childhood development to who we are right now. 


  • Level of Personal Effort:
    • Owners
      • Excitement
      • Commitment
      • Co-operation
    • Renters
      • Compliance
      • resentment
      • retaliation | quit 

Our motives changed before our actions changed
(if you don't act it out, you will act it out)

Intent v.s. Impact

  • Might be different from time to time
  • Might be perceived differently 

What do you mean? 
If you are hearing this question being asked, you most probably are telling a story rather than stating facts. 


Three Clever Stories:
  • Victim
  • Villian
  • Helpless
Idea: As a coach, you can use this in helping the coach understand where they stand. 

Day 2

Ta*****'s funny and annoying stories is a reflection of your own behavior.

Behaviors come from emotions and those from stories you are telling yourself.

Silence Kills


People rarely become defensive about what you are saying. They become defensive because of why they think you are saying it! (intent v.s. content)

on safety: stay small, stay safe


Restart your brain:

  • What am I behaving like I want?
  • What do I really want? 
    • For myself?
    • For others?
    • For the relationship?
    • For the organization?
  • How would I behave if I really did?

Unbundle with CPR
  • Content - single instance
  • Pattern - a recurring problem
  • Relationship - how the problem is affecting working relationship

Silence v.s. Violence
& the behaviors sampling them


Care continuum
From civility to fondness


Mutual purpose: care about their best interest
Mutual respect: care about them as a person


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